This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
