i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
