Ketchup is God's man juice
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
