I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
