she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
