OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
