I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Randomize
