I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
