Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
