Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Sober January is a disaster.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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