weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The best revenge is premature balding
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
