he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
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