She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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