I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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