Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
