your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
