Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
