I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
