I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
