How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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