I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
