Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
