i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
