he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
