i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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