I accidentally had phone sex last night
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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