a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
