I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
