zippers are such a cool invention
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
