Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize
