Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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