i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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