This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
