it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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