I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
