im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
