I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
