Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
