he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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