Is it because I queefed?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
