If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
