why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
