I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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