He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
