my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
