bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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