We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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