I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
