a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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