I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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