I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
