I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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